Vacation with a Whole New Twist
by Meli-Loves-Haters
Summary: What happens when our favorite little victims go on an eight-day cruise? A complete crack-fest, that's what! Shounen-ai, yaoi, whatever you want to call it!Remember... Have a great cruise!
1. What'a a Cruise Ship?

**A/N** Hi! First story, I'm excited! With help from my 'lil sis, we have produced this chapter. I keep her around to fetch me snacks and whatnot. XDD Anyway, on to the fic!

**Chapter 1: What's a cruise ship?**

"I won a what?" Seto asked curiously as the man on the other end of the phone began to ramble again.

The salesman sighed, "An all-expense-paid cruise! You were our one millionth buyer, after all."

"You mean like on a cruise ship?" The brunette asked, still severely confused.

"No. On an airplane," the rambunctious man stated sarcastically.

"Whatever," the CEO snapped. "For how many people? Or do I have to go on vacation by myself?"

"Sir, we own the cruise ship. So you can bring as many people as you want."

"Okay. You are beginning to annoy me, so I'm hanging up now."

"What about your cruise, sir?"

"Meh," Seto responded. The salesman sighed again; he had been doing that a lot since he started his conversation with the pissed off CEO.

"Let me talk to the guy, bro," Mokuba interjected, holding out his hand for the phone his brother was about to throw at a wall. The taller boy handed the shorter boy the cellular device.

"Hello? I'm Seto's brother, Mokuba. What were you two discussing that made my brother so angry?" the young Kaiba inquired as soon as the phone was next to his ear. The salesman quickly repeated all he had said to the CEO, sounding a bit exasperated.

"Ah. Okay. We'll be there on Tuesday. Bye," Mokuba confirmed as he hung up. He glanced at his brother, who was banging his chestnut head against the wall he had almost thrown the cellular device at.

"… What's a cruise ship?" Seto reiterated for about the eight hundredth time.

"It's a giant boat, bro. We'll be on one in two days," Mokuba told the CEO with a grin.

"… Shit," the brunette muttered, clearly aggravated about this whole "going on a boat" ordeal.

"… Fine… Who are we taking? I'm guessing we have people to drag along as well," Seto sighed after about a minute of awkward silence.

"Our friends, of course!" Mokuba winked.

"Houston, we have a problem. Over," the CEO growled.

His brother cocked a skeptic eyebrow at the taller boy, "And what might that be?" Seto took a deep breath, keeping Mokuba in suspense.

"I have no friends," the brunette stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe. Which it was.

The young Kaiba laughed, "Well… Then my friends it is!"

"And who might your so called friends be?" the taller Kaiba asked in a bored tone, because he really didn't give a flying fuck.

His younger counterpart began to list names, "Yuugi, Yami, Anzu, Jonouchi, Honda-"

"Hold it!" Seto cut his brother off, "You're inviting the nerd patrol? Why would you do such a thing?"

Mokuba ignored that comment and continued, "Honda, Otogi, Mai, Ryou, Bakura, Malik and Marik!"

"… Someone just kill me now."

:-:-:

"You're inviting us to go on an all-expense-paid cruise? Are you kidding me? Of course! Me are Bakura will be there!" Ryou squealed after Mokuba had finished his slightly lengthy explanation.

"What the bloody hell is a cruise?" Bakura asked from the couch, not taking his eyes off the TV.

His hikari grinned, "A large boat with lots of people, silly!"

"Oh joy…" the yami stated, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

The young brit narrowed his chocolate eyes, "Oh shut up and go back to your Glee. Bloody Gleek."

Bakura blushed furiously and mumbled something along the lines of: "What about you and your Golden Girls…?"

"**SHUT UP THAT'S DIFFERENT**!"

:-:-:

"Marik! Give me the Ra damned phone! **NOW**!" Malik screeched, chasing after his devious yami. The taller Egyptian boy cackled and held the phone over the toilet menacingly.

"No! **NO**! **MARIK, DON'T**!" the shorter of the two screamed, tears forming in his violet eyes. The said yami was now jiggling the phone, as faint murmurs emanated from the small device.

"Malik…. This piece of plastic is talking to me," Marik told his light, while bringing the cell up to his ear.

"Hello? Phone? Can you read me?" the Egyptian yami spoke into the speaker end of the phone.

"H-hey! Is that you, Marik?" Mokuba asked after the aforementioned dark side had began speaking.

Marik raised an eyebrow, "The phone thingy knows my name? Cool." Both Mokuba and Malik rolled their eyes simultaneously.

The shorter Egyptian held out a tanned hand for the phone, "Hand it over, dumbshit." His yami reluctantly passed his hikari the cellular device, still confused on the whole "phone speaking to him" ordeal. By the time he had given up on trying to decode the situation, his light had already ended his conversation with the phone.

"Okay, Marik. Pack your bags. We leave for a cruise in two days!" Malik told his dark with a wink. Marik didn't even bother asking what a cruise was; he was too entertained with flushing the toilet repeatedly after getting bored of his hikari's rambling.

:-:-:

"Yeah, sure! Sounds fun! Maybe this will be an opportunity for all of us to finally get along!" Yuugi said happily, he had just gotten his "you've been invited to join us on an adventure" call. His yami looked up from the book on Ancient Egypt he had been attempting to read.

"Yuugi," the dark began, "What the hell are you talking about?"

His light giggled, "Just start packing! We leave in two days!"

Yami just shrugged and went back to his book.

"Yami? Why are you looking at that book? You can't read…" Yuugi pointed out, looking skeptically at his other half.

"… I thought it would be in ancient Egyptian…." Yami muttered.

His hikari patted his spiky head, "It's okay. We all have our moments."

"**WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN**?"

:-:-:

"Truth or dare?" Jonouchi inquired Otogi, tilting his golden head like a Labrador retriever.

The gamer glared at the blonde, "Shut up! I'm on the phone! And what the crap are you talking about? We're not even playing truth or dare! Honda, control the dumbass while I talk to whoever the shit just called me."

"Kay!" Honda responded eagerly, tackling his best friend. Otogi just rolled his emerald eyes and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hello? This is Ryuuji Otogi. How may I help you?" he said, sounding like one of Seto's clone girl- I mean secretaries.

"One two three four, I declare a thumb war!" the pair of BFFLs chanted at the same time. Their large digits charged at each other, tipping the two boys whose hands were attached over to the ground. Ryuuji chuckled; he was observing the foolish "better than cable" battles.

"Otogi? You finished on the phone?" Honda asked, finally noticing the gamer.

Said gamer sweatdropped, "Yeah…. About an hour ago…"

"Yeah, stupid! I even knew that!" Jonouchi boasted.

Otogi rolled those gorgeous eyes of his, "No you didn't…"

"So..?" the golden headed puppy asked timidly.

"Idiot…" Honda muttered, while sniggering.

"You god damn hypocrite!" Katsuya accused, pointing a slender finger at his best friend.

Ryuuji laughed, "Wow Jo. Big word, eh?"

"Yeah! Yuugi taught me!" the blond replied.

"Anyway… We're going on a cruise!" Ryuuji told his friends warmly.

"Yay!" Came the simultaneous response.

:-:-:

"Hello? Oh! Hi Mokuba!" Mai greeted when she answered the phone.

Anzu raised an eyebrow, "Mokuba? What's he doing calling you, Mai?" The blonde shrugged, unsure herself. After Mai had hung up the phone, she was explaining the whole cruise situation to her friend.

"Sounds fun! We should go!" the brunette squealed.

Her blonde friend laughed, "I already told him we were in."

"Well, time to pack!" Anzu giggled.

Mai nodded, "Yeah! To the attic!"

"Alright, see ya later, Mai."

"Bye Anzu!"

:-:-:

"Alright, bro! I invited all my friends!" Mokuba told his brother happily.

Seto sighed, "How come none of your friends are your age? Or even in the same school?"

"I don't know," the little Kaiba shrugged. "At least I have friends."

"Well, I _would_ take that offensively if I wanted friends. But in all honesty, I do not want annoying fangirls or fanboys stalking me and taking screenshots of whatever I do," the brunette told his brother.

"That's not what friends do…" Mokuba muttered.

Seto chuckled, "And you think I care?"

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

**A/N** Yeah! First chapter! I'm loving this story, mainly because I'm going to base it off my last five cruises, all jumbled together for your reading pleasure. Please review! It makes for a happier Meli and faster updates! Not because I wait for reviews to update, it just boosts my self-esteem and gives me my motivation! :D Hugs!

P.S. The Bakura being a Gleek was so random I almost threw it out, but I decided to keep it because this isn't a "serious" fic anyway, so shit can happen. ^^


	2. Am I Having Fun Yet?

**A/N** If you, like my friend, believe that keeping characters is extremely important then read this note. Personally, I think fanfiction is a fan's interpretation of characters. I picture Seto as this angst-ridden teenager who gets pissed easily. Other authors may see him differently, and I respect that. But I do not want any reviews bitching about how OOC characters are, because MY versions of those well-loved characters **CAN'T** Be OOC. Random rant: **OVER**.

**DISCLAIMER:** I am 93% sure I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! or any of its characters. If I did, neither Yami nor Yuugi would be alive. And there would be less card games and more Malik. This, now that I think about it, is exactly WHY I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! ^^'

**Chapter 2: Am I having fun yet?**

"Come on, Seto! We're going to be late! Do you WANT to miss the boat?" Mokuba rushed his brother.

The brunette chuckled, "Very much so."

"Oh shut up," the younger boy snapped, pushing the older man out of the door.

"The boat doesn't leave for two hours. How are we going to be late?" Seto observed after he glanced at his watch. Mokuba just remained silent and shoved the taller of the two forward. The CEO reluctantly climbed into the limo while his brother was giving directions to their chauffeur.

As soon as they were rolling down the street, Mokuba began rambling a mile a minute about how much fun an eight-day cruise would be. The more the smaller Kaiba spoke, the more his older counterpart wanted to hurl.

:-:-:

"Marik! Wake your lazy ass up! We need to get going, like, NOW!" Malik screeched at his yami, while scrambling around the room packing random articles of clothing. The taller Egyptian stirred as the smaller of the two frantically shoved items into a suitcase. The tan yami slowly got himself ready as his hikari ran around screaming about how late they were and attempting to force all of the required clothing into their bags.

"Malik," Marik sighed once he had finished his daily routines.

The small tomb keeper froze, "Yes… Marik?"

"You forgot your clock is two hours ahead. You should probably fix that sometime. We still have two hours before we have to leave, dumbass," the tanned yami told the young boy in front of him.

The hikari rolled his violet eyes, "Yeah, and I'm a fairy princess."

"Well… That **IS** what you went as for Halloween last year," Marik chuckled.

Malik turned red, "Shut up, you! Just pack your own damn clothing!"

:-:-:

"Baaaaaaaaakuuuuuuuraaaaaaa! Time to get up, sleepyhead!" Ryou chirped as he lightly shook his yami, who was out cold and buried underneath a mountain of sheets. The lump under the covers of the bed began to grumble, clearly aggravated by the awakening.

The small albino giggled, "You silly yami, you! We have to get ready! We leave in an hour to get to the cruise dock!"

"Are you still going on about that? Bloody wanker…" Bakura mumbled from beneath the covers of the cloud-like bed.

The young brit just rolled his chocolate eyes, "C'mon, 'Kura! Marik and Malik are going!"

"**HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME**!" the snowflake screeched as he flew out from the island of happiness and crashed into a wall. "…. Ow."

:-:-:

"Smooth as hell, man," Ryuuji chuckled after Katsuya and Hiroto had finished explaining that they pulled an unwise all-nighter and were about to fall asleep standing up.

They both turned pink and mumbled something along the lines of: "We forgot the cruise was tomorrow…"

"Of course you did," the gamer rolled his emerald eyes. "But you two should go get ready. We have to leave in an hour."

Both the idiots in front of him grinned vacuously and stomped upstairs to begin packing.

"Why I agreed to babysit these two I'll never know," he muttered irritably, stupid Yuugi needed "the day off". The gamer could very well have stayed home and slept in his own bed, but the small game king just **HAD **to make him spend the night at Katsuya and Hiroto's shared house. Well, _someone_ had to make sure the pair didn't burn down the house…

Ryuuji sighed, "Lazy bastard."

:-:-:

"Anzu? Are you ready? We're leaving in an hour and still have to eat!" Mai called down the hall of her moderately sized apartment.

The response came almost immediately, "Hold your ponies, Mai! I can only pack so fast!" Soon, the brunette had completed her packing and exited the small guest room, making her way to the kitchen.

"Finally! Took you long enough!" the blonde sitting on the counter snapped as soon as her friend entered the room.

Said friend narrowed her sapphire eyes, "Well I'm **SORRY** that I had to run home to get pants, Mai! I don't live here!"

Violet eyes were narrowed and the younger of the two girls was pushed out of the room, "Well excuse me, princess!"

:-:-:

After an hour, everyone had actually found their way to the port so they could embark on their eight-days-of-fun cruise.

"Hoo-rah. Eight days of constant sea-sickness, annoying employees and these losers…" Bakura muttered under his breath as he gazed at the nerd patrol, more commonly known as Yuugi and his posse of stalkers.

"C'mon, 'Kura! It won't be that bad," Ryou smiled thoughtfully while shaking his head at his yami.

The retired thief king rolled his ruby eyes with a snort, "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, hikari."

"Hello everyone! It's good that all of you could show up!" Mokuba greeted everyone as they huddled around him. He got a slur of responses, most being positive and cheerful, to his immense relief. He smiled and continued, "I hope you all don't mind, but the man who gave us the free cruise has filled up the empty spots with the highest-paying bidders off EBay. Sorry for any inconveniences…" He was met by some groans and mumbling, but it seemed as if most didn't mind all that much.

The small Kaiba grinned, "Well, we get boarding priority, so let's go!"

"Yay!" was the general reply as there was a scramble to be the first on the large ship. Bakura and Seto reluctantly trudged onto the boat behind the rest of the group as they rushed into the large atrium.

"Wow," Ryou breathed, "This is exquisite!" A murmur of agreement swept throughout the crowd.

"… Meh," Seto's voice rang out, echoing around the cavernous lobby area. Now, a surprised series of gasps escaped the mouths of all the teens (and Mokuba) in the area, save three. Malik just snorted, Marik wasn't paying an ounce of attention, and Bakura was too busy trying to steal Yuugi's Millennium Puzzle to notice that anything interesting was happening.

"Uh… Bakura? What are you doing?" Yuugi inquired, finally noticing the ancient thief.

The albino looked up and smirked, "Oh! Don't mind me. I'm totally **NOT** trying to steal your millennium puzzle."

"Get your grimy hands off my puzzle, you lowly thief!" Yami growled from beside his hikari, snatching the golden pyramid from Bakura's vice grip. "Maybe I should wear the Puzzle for now, aibou," the Pharaoh whispered to his light, a hand covering his mouth to protect their conversation from the thief's prying ears. The short boy nodded, sliding the Millennium Item off his neck and into the pale hands awaiting them.

Bakura smirked as soon as Yuugi had let go of the pyramid, grabbing it and high-tailing it out of there. Or, "Escape maneuver number seven: getting the fuck out" as the thief king loved to refer to it as.

"Mwahahahahahaha!" Bakura chanted evilly while attempting to dive out of the door that led to the docking area, the tanned yami and hikari pair on his heels. They were all laughing maniacally—well, Malik was giggling—and taking turns grasping and stroking the puzzle they had just acquired.

Marik had been rubbing his face over the eye of Horus when a blond fluff-ball tackled him to the ground. As soon as Katsuya had made contact, the tan yami had done the smart thing and tossed the powerful item in question to Malik.

Then the sun-kissed light was tackled by a rhino- oh wait, it was just Hiroto. Being the smart villain he is, the blond boy slid the Millennium Puzzle across the linoleum into Bakura's waiting hands. The albino clutched his prize to his chest greedily, bolting towards the door he had previously attempted to dive out of.

But, his path was blocked by a rather pissed CEO. "Listen up, _Bakura_," Seto snarled, uttering the thief's name with poison, "Knock it off or I'm going to shove your precious ring so far up your ass that you can taste gold." The yami paled—considering how white he is, it's a great achievement—and reluctantly presented the puzzle in a defeated manner.

The brunette smirked, "Damn straight. Here, loser!" He tossed the Millennium Item to Yami and glared at Bakura again before stalking off mumbling about his brother's "suck-ish choice of friends".

"Love you too, Kaiba…" the ex-thief king muttered, creeping towards his hikari and best friends.

"Well that was fun while it lasted," Malik giggled, he just played along and had been planning on giving it back to Yuugi when the yamis were done.

His darker side narrowed his eyes, "What do you mean fun? That was a very serious matter, Malik!"

Bakura nodded, growling at the hikari. The aforementioned light just laughed at the pair of best friends.

"Am I having fun yet?" Seto asked Mokuba, after all of the small boy's "friends" had been settled in. By then, all the other guests had begun boarding. They were noisily clambering down the halls with their annoying chit-chat, aggravating the shit out of all of the teens. Especially the CEO, who was currently complaining the ears off his little brother.

"Bro, please, shut up. You have been bitching nonstop for the last twenty minutes. Go bother someone else!" the young Kaiba snapped.

The brunette was appalled, "Mokie… Did you just curse at me?" He used the little one's nickname, an attempt to use the dreaded "guilt trip" on him.

Sadly, it was to no avail.

Seto—now tremendously pissed—stormed out of his handicapped-sized cabin and down the hall to his favorite *Blank*'s room. "Damn! I hate everyone on this boat! Curse you, Mokuba!" He moaned dramatically, dropping to his knees and calling out to the heavens. Needless to say, he got many strange looks from the random, nameless passer-by.

"_Attention all guests! Mandatory safety run-through briefing meeting! Please, everyone report to the Shadow Lounge on the fifth deck at the aft of the ship. The meeting is mandatory and all guests are required to attend. Thank you!" _A bubbly female voice chirped over the loudspeaker and the message was repeated until all of the people on the ship were crammed into the Shadow Lounge.

"Hey losers, how is it hanging? You know what, I don't care. Just, someone, please, talk to me," Seto approached the crowd of people around Yuugi and his friends.

"Oh don't we feel loved," Bakura sneered sarcastically.

The brunette CEO narrowed his cerulean eyes, "Bakura? Do you like your ring?"

"Yeah…"

"Then I recommend you keep your mouth shut to save me the headache. Also to make sure your ring doesn't end up somewhere… uncomfortable."

"Aw, c'mon, Kaiba! Relax for once!" Katsuya jumped into the irritated conversation.

Seto narrowed his eyes, "Shut up, mutt. I have a taser in my bag somewhere. I'm not afraid to use it."

"Why would you bring a taser?" Malik decided to shove his way into the conference with the question that was begging to be inquired.

The brunette sighed, "I don't know what kind of diseases those Mexicans carry!" Both blondes smacked their respective foreheads while the albino yami laughed so hard he almost cried.

"It wasn't funny…" Katsuya muttered as the lights in the lounge were dimmed.

Shortly after, a short figure with long black hair skipped out onto the stage. "Hi everyone!" she squealed happily, "I'm Layla and I'll be your cruise director for the next… Eight days, not including today!" Layla smiled warmly at the guests aboard her ship, "This liner here is the Willy-Boat and she is the largest in our line of cruises! Ya'll will be spending the next week aboard this beauty, so treat her kindly!" And so, the cheerful voice explained the safety procedures and all that other useless crap, and by the second or third sentence—depending on the person—the teens tuned out the sing-song voice.

"So, Kaiba. What did you buy that got you this cruise?" Anzu asked the CEO, because she needed some more lines in this damn thing.

The male brunette smirked, "3,000 orders of condoms; each under a different pseudonym." Anyone who had been listening blushed profusely; even Bakura's cheeks were tinted pink.

"Why? What on Earth could you do with 3,000 orders of condoms?" Yami blurted out, asking the inquiry on everyone's mind.

The teen in question shrugged nonchalantly, "They make great waters balloons."

After that, all was silent in the group of—not really friends, so I'll say—acquaintances.

"What? Don't **YOU **guys do that…?"

:-:-:

**A/N** Yeah! Wasn't that fun? Lol… Condoms. XD Anyhow, sorry that chapter took over a month, but… School. Yeah. It'll be the death of me, just you watch. Only reason I haven't gone demented is my friends... I love them! X3 Squee! And from now on, I'm going to end with a quote from somewhere.

"'**Sup Enrique."**

_**~Me and my BFFL, Paige. Long story short, my friend Enrique said sup to both of us and we both said that at the same exact time! It was so funny, LOL! **_


	3. Another Day in the Life of Seto Kaiba

**A/N **Hey! Meli here! I'm surprised I came up with something to say in these for the first two chapters. But, alas, I have run out. So yeah. Read on, and stuff!

**WARNINGS: **Language warning! I curse, deal with it. The rating is T for a reason. Yaoi warning! This fic might contain yaoi in later chapters, but this is a definite maybe. I love yaoi, but I might not put it in here so it will appeal to a larger group. Still internally debating on it. Leave a review on whether I should add yaoi or not.

**DISCLAIMER: **I only own my stuffed dragon (Doug), an excessive amount of wallets, and thirty-two cents. Was _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ on that list? I think not.

**Chapter 3: Another Day in the Life of Seto Kaiba.**

The first day on the ship involved loads of sleeping and dominos. They took off during the night, and the technical first day didn't really count as a day, for they have eight more after it. The next day, however, is where our heroes are currently reside.

"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bac-y!" Layla's effervescent voice rhymed over the loudspeaker, jolting all the cruise-goers out of their dream lands and into the harsh universe called reality. "Today is our first sea day, so every single one of you should rise and shine and prepare to have fun!" the peppy voice cheered, with a slightly devious grin on the owner's face that none could see.

She clicked off the speaker system and skipped down to the Pools—which are situated on the Lido Deck, which is the ninth deck—and began to set up her first activity with a devilish flourish on her every motion. "This is going to be entertaining," she whispered to herself, and then began whistling while she worked like those annoying dwarves from _Snow White_.

:-:-:

After about an hour, all of the teens whom this story is based upon were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. This—in retrospect—makes no sense because they aren't squirrels. Also, they are tired as sloths because they spent all of the previous night playing hard-core dominos with a bunch of old Cubans who were chilling in the library.

They all stumbled their ways down to the Lido Deck, which contains the buffet tables along with the pools. Once they made it to the ninth floor, the small crowd ambled over to a table, plopping down dejectedly and slamming their heads down onto the table in aggravation. This apparent irritation was due to one or more of the following: cramps, sleepiness, PMS, annoyance, and actually being asleep. Assume at your own risk.

"So… Where are the servers?" Seto asked after he had raised his head.

Mai decided she wanted to answer, "It's a buffet, rich-boy. You have to actually get up."

"**THAT'S **the best you came up with? Not even anything witty? You are such a failure…" Bakura laughed, taunting Mai's attempt at humor. Malik and Marik nodded in agreement, whilst snickering as well. Female amethyst eyes were narrowed and three teens were clocked in the head with an assortment of utensils. "Damn it, Mai! Now there is a fork stuck in my hair!" Marik lamented, while crossing his arms with an out-of-character pout.

Bakura smirked in response and turned on his BFFL, "Shut it, Goldilocks. That's what you get for that gel-over-dose."

"Shut up! You know full well this is somehow natural! And what about you, Chicken Wings? Why do you have fuckin' **ANTLERS**?"

The pair of best friends continued to bicker while the rest of their group chose to ignore them and went about obtaining food. Katsuya and Hiroto ran over to the tables, piling mountains of food-stuffs onto their plates and racing back to the table. Anzu rolled her sapphire eyes and followed them. But, unlike the two idiots whose paths she followed, she did not fall flat on her face into her plate of food. She just giggled and placed her female rear into the seat she had previously occupied, Mai following suit and plopping down next to her friend. Seto had just sent his brother to fetch him something "suitable for consumption" as the CEO delicately worded it. Malik and Ryou were attaining nutrients for their yamis, the tanned one of the two bitching the entire time about how heavy his dark's food is. Yami was busy laughing like a schoolboy at the antics of his fellow dark sides. Well, one dark side and one crazy-ass split-personality.

Yuugi flicked Yami's ear, "Idiot! Why are you laughing? It was **YOUR** shadow-magic-gone-wrong that gave those two trouble-makers their own bodies! Do you see the result of trying to fuse the two of them together in their sleep? What did this teach you?"

"The lesson?" the Pharaoh replied, "Never to lift Marik again! My arms still hurt from that! Marik is a heavy bastard!" His hikari just smacked his own forehead and followed Ryou and Malik on their "quest to acquire food".

"Yeah, well, your hikari looks like a girl!" Marik vociferated, probably in response to something his best friend had said.

"I resent that!" Ryou called from a few tables away.

Bakura, not wanting to be outdone, retorted, "Just go back to playing with your phallic symbol, you pixie!"

"Oh **I'M **the pixie. _Right_. Because **I'M **_clearly_ the one with the long white hair and the floral, pink shirt!" Came the response, accompanied by an enraged growl.

"You two should stop arguing. It can't be good for you," the Pharaoh decided to intrude on their conversation.

"Quiet, Señor Lightning-Hair!" the tanned yami snapped.

The albino smirked cockily, "Yeah! What did you do, get stuck in the electric chair?" Both snickered and high-fived, beaming when their mutual enemy's facial expression shifted from apathetic to pissed off. They continued to taunt the poor half-soul while they ate the food their hikaris had dropped in front of them, their previous feud completely forgotten.

:-:-:

"Oooooooh! We should do the water games! It starts in twenty minutes. We should make it in time," Yuugi suggested, a wide smile dominating his impish face as he looked from the _'Fun Times'_ itinerary. Yami nodded fiercely, glancing at his fellow spiky-headed idiots.

"I challenge you both to a little game! Whoever wins these "water games" is truly the ultimate yami!" the Pharaoh challenged, pointing at the Egyptian and the albino.

Marik smirked, "Hell yeah! Let's do this!"

Bakura nodded vigorously in agreement, which sent colorless locks catapulting through the warm air.

"Hey! I want in on this," Mai intruded, her lips curved into a devious smile.

Ryuuji decided he wanted to join in on the fun, "Well, no way in dice games is this shit going down without me."

:-:-:

So, currently, the five of them are going to compete. They all wagered something on the outcome of this competition. The items bet were: Marik's earrings, Bakura's boxers, Yami's leather shirt, Mai's "expensive" nail polish she bought at the dollar store, and Ryuuji borrowed a box of condoms from Seto to bet. Only Ra knows how many that man still has.

"Oh my Ra. Malik! Come check out this condom!" the sun-kissed yami called over his hikari.

The shorter of the duo strolled over, "Hmn? What is it?"

"Look at the wrapper! It's **AMAZING**!" Marik grinned. On the wrapper, it showed a chibi Darth Vader with the caption, "I will not be your father".

Malik's eyes widened, "Marik! … **THIS IS SO FANTASTIC! YOU BETTER WIN THIS DAMN THING**!"

"I know, I know."

:-:-:

"Okay! Are you all here for the pool games?" Layla asked cheerfully, a grin creeping its way across her thin face.

"No. We are _clearly_ just standing around in our bathing suits attempting to set our hair on fire," Bakura spat sarcastically.

The cruise director rolled her hazel eyes, "Shut it, Handlebars."

"Oh no she didn't!" Marik laughed, whilst sticking his tongue out at Bakura.

"Anyhow, let's get this show on the road! Who are our contestants for today's competition?" Layla ignored the tanned yami and asked the crowd that had gathered while she was distracted totally owning Bakura.

"I am!" Mai squealed, waving her arm around her head wildly.

"Okay, Blondie. Anyone else man enough?" The employee responded, gazing at the group of cruise-goers.

"Me, too!" all three of the yamis called out simultaneously.

Layla smirked, "Alright! So we got Blondie, the creampuff, Starfish-head, and the hair-gel happy bleach-head. Any more victims?"

Otogi debated even raising his hand after she had mentioned the word "victims", but his hand shot up of its own accord. "Alright! Fruity-boy is joining in on the fun! C'mon! We need one more person to make it an even number. Any bids?" the cruise director tried to rally up more participants.

"This could be interesting. I'm in," a random fat guy waddled up and stated.

"Kay! Now, everyone in the pool!" Layla commanded, waving her arm over the vast expanse of water.

Marik and Bakura thought it would be just _hilarious_ to do cannon-balls into the pool. And it was. They had completely drenched some sunbathing women and a group of small children who were crying their eyeballs out because the random fat guy—now referred to as RFG—stole the ice cream that they had paid so much money for. Well, it was free, but still!

Anyhow, the contestants were now lazily lounging in the hole full of water, loafing around until Layla decided to actually start the damn thing.

"Alright maggots, listen up! The first challenge is a simple race! Two laps back and forth, bow to aft. The monkey that comes in last is the one kicked out this round. Any questions?" the aforementioned cruise director smirked at the group in the salty water.

"Wait… So this is like _America's Next Top Model_?" Malik inquired from his perch on a deck chair. Every head in the vicinity turned to him, looks of horror etched onto their faces.

"What?" he looked around with a confused expression on his tanned face, "I like that show."

"Just… Swim to that end of the pool," Layla told the "victims" while pointing towards of front end of the basin filled with H₂O. They nodded excitedly, all swimming hastily towards the bow end of the ditch filled with sea water. The short woman with the charcoal hair bounced over the aft end of the pool and pulled a bright yellow whistle out of nowhere.

"Ha! Is that a rape whistle or something?" Bakura called from his spot sitting on the side of the pool deck.

Hazel eyes were narrowed, "Clearly. Just like how you look like a rabid ferret on steroids." That shut him up.

"Alright! On your mark… get set…" the cruise director finished the count-off with a high-pitched shriek from her neon whistle. This sent the people in the pool swimming, each struggling due to the salt content of the water they were splashing around in. Somehow, the one who was eliminated was Ryuuji. His earring had fallen off mid-dive, so he had to fall back to find it. He did. Attached to the grates on the floor of the pool. Took three trips to get the damn thing undone. The poor bastard.

After games of volleyball, Marco Polo, and water basketball; Marik, Mai, and RFG—whose name was discovered to be Albert—had been eliminated.

Marik lost the volleyball game because the ball was punctured on one of the multitude of spikes erupting from his tan head, therefore getting him disqualified.

Albert got his fat ass handed to him in Marco Polo because he took up more than a third of the possible pool-space. This made him an easy target, so Yami easily tagged him first.

Mai had a disadvantage in water basketball; due to the fact that she doesn't play sports, let alone basketball. Which she justified by telling her friends, "It's such a black sport."

This left Yami and Bakura as the two finalists. Layla decided that the only appropriate challenge for the both of them was a breath-holding contest. Secretly, she hoped one or both of them would drown. They irritated her out of her cheerful nature and into her evil personality.

Anyhow, they were now preparing to go down for as long as their lungs would allow.

"C'mon, 'Kura! Beat this asstard!" Marik cheered from the edge of the pool, finally done sulking after his unfortunate loss. Said albino just bared his sharp canines and nodded, his eyes gleaming mischievously with a hint of insanity thrown in for good measure. The unearthly and demented expression sent chills down the third yami's spine, yet convinced him of his need to win the utterly pointless competition.

"Kay, Knuckleheads. Time to start!" the petite cruise director told the yamis in the pool. Both pairs of eyes below her hardened then disappeared beneath the surface of the salty water. All of the humans—and the one split personality—looked on with a veil of silence coming to rest around the scene. Every soul was anticipating the time when one yami would pierce the water's crystal-clear face. After about three minutes of tense reticence, a few spikes began to sprout from the exterior of the halcyon liquid.

A ghostly pale face followed, gasping and panting for oxygen. The regal head of the ex-pharaoh appeared soon after, his expression victorious.

"Ra damn you, Pharaoh… That was completely unfair! I would have won if you didn't tickle my foot at the last second!" the sore loser accused with a sour expression gracing his beautifully pale features.

The yami in question just smiled, "All's fair in love and war."

"… Yeah, well, your mom," was the best the thief was capable of coming up with.

A short, dark-haired figure skipped up to yami at this point. "Well, Smedley, you win. Here's you prize! A twenty-four karat _plastic_ piece of ship on a stick!" She handed Yami a golden cruise ship-shaped trophy.

He just grinned and hugged her.

She bit him on the shoulder.

Bakura and Marik found this to be downright hilarious, and made it apparent by laughing their asses off.

:-:-:

Dinner that night was peaceful and serene. Well, besides the food fight. That was a completely different story altogether. Food was being flung in every direction imaginable and landing on every poor, unfortunate soul in the Seasick Dining Room.

The maître was bitch-slapped by a lobster tail, Yuugi now has butter in his hair, Malik is busy choking on corn, 'Kura and Marik are pouring barbeque sauce down Yami's pants, Ryou is in a fetal position under the table, Jonouchi is out on the deck puking what little brains he has out, Honda is in the bathroom—getting the ice cream out of his clothing, Anzu is spouting random nonsense about friendship and pudding, and Mai and Ryuuji had enough sense to get out when Marik and Bakura had began flicking peas at Yami.

Everyone else in the room was either protecting themselves or actively chucking food around the large area.

"Just another day in the life of Seto Kaiba…" the brunette CEO thought irritably, whilst shielding his brother from the flying steaks.

:-:-:-:-:-:

**A/N** Bwahahaha! That was fun to write. Sorry it took so long, but I have been so busy this week. What with Encore, EOCs, field trips, Disney, my ass-backwards love life, and other crap. *Sigh* Anyhow, I don't own the phrase, "All's fair in love and war", "A twenty-four karat plastic piece of ship on a stick", or the _'Fun Times'_. The first one is owned by Francis Smedley (hence Layla calling Yami Smedley) and the other two belong to Carnival Cruise Lines. Also, my friend named RFG. Thanks Paige! :D The condom thing is based on a picture I saw of a condom wrapper that had that design. It was so beautiful… So, please review! It makes me happy. :3 And remember to review or message me with your vote on yaoi or not. To yaoi or not to yaoi… The old Cubans would be my family. That's what we Cubans did on our last family cruise. We played Dominos in the library for like seven hours. Also, I'm not even sure if that's how _America's Next Top Model_ works. I don't watch that show… Bow= front of boat Aft= back of boat. Simple enough. The salt water thing is true on Carnival ships, by the way. It's actually salty and stings like a bitch. I don't own _Snow White_. Jeez, how long is this Author's Note going to be? Jesus… Sweet baby Jesus! :DD

"**ESTA BAILANDO~!" **

_**~ My friends Stacey and Paige and Me.**__**It was from a Quack! Spanish video we had watched in second hour.**_


	4. Where The Hell Are We?

**A/N** Hiya! I'm glad to be updating! :D OKAY, reasoning behind the really long wait! My grandfather died during the time in between chapters, so I've been quite depressed… I just couldn't bring myself to type a humor story during the mourning time… BUT that's over now! Lol I love this chappie. Think about this, lovelies, most of the crap that goes down in this fic has actually happened to me or one of the people in our groups on cruises. No lie. Some crazy shit has happened to us. XD P.S. I only got one vote, but it was to yaoi! Here it is, Paige. As requested. Shippings now are: bronzeshipping, puzzleshipping, and any suggestions. I just really wanted bronzeshipping. It be my favorite. X3 I'll ship almost anyone, but straight pairings are actually hard for me to write. Yuri is a no-no. Well… maybe. If I could make it work. I only ship Yuugi and Yami together because I hate them both with such a passion that I will not ship them with any other characters. Sorry. *Shrugs*

**WARNINGS**: Yaoi and language! I curse, therefore the characters curse as well. Put quite simply. Yaoi warning! Boyxboy! Don't like, pretend the uke is a girl! XDD Or don't read, but that's no fun.

**DISCLAIMER**: The only _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ type-things I own are my cards, a tin, a bag my friend bought me at the Salvation Army store, some bootleg cards with spelling errors, and the movie on DVD. That's the extent.

**Chapter 4: Where the hell are we?**

The third day on the Willy-boat had striking similarities to the one that preceded it…

"_Wakey, wakey, eggs and bac-y!" Layla's effervescent voice rhymed over the loudspeaker, jolting all the cruise-goers out of their dream lands and into the harsh universe called reality._ "_Today_ we dock in Colón, Panamá; _so every single one of you should rise and shine and prepare to have fun!" the peppy voice cheered. _

:-:-:

"Ugh… Again, too early," Marik groaned as he rubbed at his drooping eyelids. His miniature doppelganger with the more logical hair slowly opened his lavender eyes to face his bedmate. The yami smiled—something already rare enough; let alone in the morning—and gazed as his hikari lovingly, with a dash of the usual unadulterated insanity.

The young tomb robber grinned up at his lover, "Good morning, Mar-Mar." This caused the other man in the bed to growl menacingly, but all that did was make the boy giggle quietly.

The tanned yami shoved his beautiful hikari out of the bed and onto the synthetic carpet.

"Have fun on the floor, dumbass."

:-:-:

The loudspeaker—again—didn't even faze Bakura as he snored soundly in his "little patch of heaven". Ryou had been previously awoken by said snoring, and was preparing a revenge tactic. He held a glass filled to the brim with ice-cold water over his yami's head as the sleeping one moaned and flipped over in his sleep. The small albino chuckled silently, whilst jiggling the cup so as to send drops of water raining down on his twin's face. The cold liquid seemed to agitate Bakura, but not enough to rouse him out of his slumber. His hikari, now somewhat pissed, decided to pick out his own coffin and dumped the rest of the clear water onto his yami's sleeping form. The form then shot out of the bed, hissing and scratching at Ryou like a very annoyed feline—Ryou would call him a kitten, Bakura would call himself a tiger.

"Ah. What a phenomenal way to start off a day on a piece of hell floating in the ocean…" The pale yami muttered while hopping in the shower to rid himself of the icy sting.

:-:-:

"Bro! Wake up! Today is the day we dock in Colón!" Mokuba squealed excitedly as he jumped on his brother, whom was still fast asleep in the provided bed.

Seto slowly came back into our dimension, sluggishly climbing out of bed and clambering into the large bathroom. After fully awakening himself, the brunette exited the room and entered the one his smaller counterpart was currently occupying.

"Hiya, Seto! You should hurry up and get ready! We don't want all the fat people inhaling all the food before we get there!" the raven-headed boy spouted as soon as he noticed his brother digging through his suitcase after entering the room.

Seto looked at his brother with a look of pure disbelief sketched onto his face, "Right. _Right_. I'm going to hurry up to go be aggravated by all those losers with the ridiculous hair."

"Yes," Mokuba replied smugly, "Yes you are."

:-:-:

"That bitch…" Mai muttered irritably as the loudspeaker clicked off, the cruise director's voice ringing in the blonde's ears. Anzu's head raised itself from its last position on the bed next to her friend's.

"What'd you say, Mai?" the brunette slurred blearily.

The aforementioned blonde just groaned and dragged her tired carcass out of the plush bed.

Once the two females had completed their morning routines, they made their weary ways down to the Lido Deck. But, by that time, it was already 11 o'clock. The wake-up blare sounds at 9 o'clock. Way to go, girls.

:-:-:

"Yuugi! Aibou! The ceiling is speaking to me!" Yami screeched as soon as Layla's cheerful voice penetrated his peaceful slumber.

His lover slowly opened his amethyst eyes, "Yami… That's the loudspeaker. It's supposed to do that… It did the same thing yesterday…"

"Oh?" the taller of the two replied slowly, "How does that even work?"

His hikari wisely remained silent and went about getting ready for the long, painful, and hot day that was in their near future. Hoo-freaking-rah.

:-:-:

The sudden noise that erupted from the speakers scared the living daylights out of Jonouchi, sending him plummeting to itchy ground from his previous position on his bunk bed. Emerald eyes were lazily dragged open when Ryuuji heard the '_THUMP_' that was his blonde friend hitting the ground. Hiroto didn't even stir, his breathing remaining steady and undisturbed.

Jo and Otogi glanced at each other, malice in their eyes. The gamer snuck over to the ice bucket, grabbing a handful and bounding over to his brunette friend's bed. The blonde lifted he sheets off of his bed friend; and Ryuuji shoved the ice as far down Honda's pants as was humanly possible.

The minor character's eyes shot open, and he flew into the bathroom screaming something about rum and Antarctica. This sent his two friends into fits of side-breaking laughter as they got themselves ready.

:-:-:

Marik, Malik, Bakura, Ryou, Seto, Mokuba, Yuugi, Yami, Jonouchi, Ryuuji, and Hiroto all met up at ten thirty at the _Shore Excursions _desk. They had planned an excursion without the two girls, because their female companions wanted to stay on board that day. The boys checked in at the desk, debarked, and found their tour guide with ease. He had been holding a large sign that read: _PANAMÁ CANAL AND GATÚN LOCKS TOUR_.

Their guide was a petite man in his mid-fifties at the least. He smelled of donkey dung and rotting cabbage, and gave off an aura of poor hygiene and hobos. "¡Hola! Me llamo José," the scruffy man informed them in fluent Spanish.

Malik, proud of his knowledge of the foreign language, stepped forward whilst flipping his golden locks over his tanned shoulder.

The blond smiled sweetly, "Ellos no hablan Español, Señor."

"Ah. Okay," came the gruff response in a heavy Latino accent.

"Malik? You know Spanish?" Yuugi inquired, stunned at the little exchange.

The blonde in question nodded brusquely, "I took it for 3 years. You know, _school_? Yeah."

"Okay. Get on bus," José commanded, ambling towards a large gas-guzzling vehicle already filled with tourists.

Marik sighed aloud, "We are going on a bus full of tourists… Malik, hold me." Said hikari just rolled his amethyst eyes and dragged his lover aboard the bus. Both of the other yami-hikari pairs boarded, soon followed by the trio of trouble.

They all settled in seats in the same general area, due to the fact that all of them—even Marik and Bakura—were reluctant to sit near strangers that smelled of expired milk and armpits. As repulsive as these people are, they were nothing compared to the horrors that await my little victims.

"Here! Gatún Locks y Panamá Canal!" José stated happily as he parked the bus. The humans and yamis inside piled out, breathing in the fresh air.

"**OH MY RA I THINK I'M DYING**!" Bakura declared dramatically, dropping to his knees and clawing at his nose. His best friend soon followed, both yamis rolling around in the dirt, screeching, with their hands clasped over their nostrils. Their hikaris both hung their heads in shame as their other halves continued to make a scene.

"Okay, dumbasses. What the hell is wrong with you?" Yami demanded, storming up to his fellow dark sides.

The albino dumbass cracked a garnet eye open, gazing skeptically at the King of Games. He opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't get a chance as his Egyptian friend's voice filled the tense air.

"This place smells like a horse took a dump all over it."

"You guys! I'm going to _castrate_ both of you in your **sleep** and feed you to some sharks. … One day…" Ryou interjected, surprising all his friends and the troublesome yami duo.

"O-okay, Ryou…" His yami replied shakily, slowly rising from his spot on the filthy ground. The pineapple-headed Egyptian followed suit, sluggishly treading towards his pissed off hikari.

Both of the devious yamis received some form of punishment, but Marik—honestly—got the worst end of it. All Bakura got was an actual slap on the wrist and an embargo on meat for the rest of the day. His best friend, on the other hand, is sexless for an entire month. The poor, poor bastard.

:-:-:

The rest of the tour went off without a hitch, aside from the occasional sarcastic snide comment from either of the two _problem_ yamis. They observed the raising and lowering of the water levels in the locks—bored out of their skulls all the while—and loafed around while the large cargo ship slowly chugged through. After our heroes almost died of boredom, the bus filled with tourists made its pathetic way over to a Catholic '_Catedral'_. José parked the bus and the passengers trampled each other on their ways out, eager to get some livestock-shit air into their desperate lungs. How sad…

"Okay people!" José captured the crowd's attention with a heavily accented baritone, "Tour over! You all shop now. I come back later." There was a general murmur of understanding, and the tourists raced off to buy a shitload of crap they'll never use.

:-:-:

Marik, glad that his ability to breathe was returned to him, stalked over to the cathedral and wandered inside. His lover hurried after him and the paler-than-ghosts hikari pair followed the Egyptians.

"Oh! Wow! This is absolutely stunning!" Ryou squealed as his gazed around the humungous '_Catedral_'. Religious murals covered the walls, the windows were stained with ancient legends, and a large wooden alter graced the wall parallel to the doors the yami-hikari pairs had entered through. The structure at the head of the chamber was beautifully carved and contained a statue of the Virgin Mary, her arms open and welcoming.

"Wow… The Spaniards must have had a lot of time on their hands…" Bakura observed thoughtfully.

His hikari nodded, "Yeah. But it's wonderful that they did. Now we have treasures like this…"

"Treasures that smell like cow shit and dead people!" Marik's voiced echoed around the holy relic.

"Marik! How dare you! This is a sacred place of worship for Catholics. Do not disrespect their religion," the pale hikari scolded the Egyptian. The blonde looked to his lighter side and received a nod, signaling him to obey and keep his trap shut.

"Ryou's right, hun. None of us are Catholics, but we still need to honor their houses of worship. It's like someone going to Egypt and saying that our past Pharaohs smell like beef jerky and sand. It's just not right," Malik agreed, his violently violet eyes smoldering with passion.

"What the-? What's up with you 'Lik?" the albino yami inquired, noticing his friend's tensed muscles and fiery irises.

Malik looked at him questioningly, "'Lik? _Really_? And it's nothing… I just get passionate about religions. They are sacred to people… That should be respected... You know?"

"Nope," Bakura shook his head, "I have been a plunderer, murderer, and thief all my life. You really think I can respect anything except myself?" The blonde just shrugged, then racing off to locate his yami, whom had disappeared a while back.

The aforementioned yami was found sitting in the marble basin of holy water, washing his feet and shoes.

"**MARIK**!" Malik screeched, "What the _hell_ are you doing?" T

he taller ex-tomb-keeper gazed at his lover in disbelief, "Seriously? You can't figure it out?"

"_No_. I cannot. I want it explained in full detail."

"Okay, okay! So I was wandering around, got bored, pissed on a statue, strolled outside, stepped in a cow pie, ambled on in here, and am now washing my feet in this over-sized birdbath."

"… You pissed on a statue?"

"Yeah!"

"Which one, dare I ask?"

"That one with the huge lady with her arms open in a very pedophile way."

The blonde hikari face-palmed and stomped off, whilst muttering something about needing a new boyfriend. His yami/boyfriend/lover remained in the "birdbath" with a content smile gracing his bronzed features. Ryou had previously fainted at the sight of his dark side's best friend in the holy water. The unconscious one's other half was kneeling down next to him, attempting to revive the poor boy.

Once Ryou was up and kicking, he stormed out of the magnificent cathedral with a face redder than Bakura's ass gets when it gets slapped. Which is _really _red.

:-:-:

"Otogi! Look at me!" Jonouchi called for the brunette's attention.

Ryuuji turned his skeptical gaze to the blonde, and his pale hand shot up to his mouth. He was trying to stifle his laughter when he saw his slow friend decked out in pink jewelry.

The boy had thought of everything; from feather clip-on earrings to rings bigger than his hands. Honda was standing next to the effeminate boy, pretending to take pictures while saying things like, "Work it, baby!" and "Shake what your mother gave you!"

The trio's antics were quite entertaining to the icy CEO, who was watching them amusedly. His smaller sibling was busy buying small, rather useless trinkets from some dirty children standing near the road. Seto almost warned his brother to stay away, but then just settled on glaring at the young boys as they made contact with his only family. I looks could kill, those kids would have been sent to oblivion by now.

:-:-:

"Okay! All you! Back on bus!" José repeated relentlessly as he wandered around, searching for his group of tourists. Once all of the souls were back on the air-conditioned bus, the yamis were arguing as if their puny little lives depended on it.

"There is no way your hikari better than Ryou, Marik! You hikari wears **PURPLE**!" Bakura sneered haughtily.

Violet eyes were rolled cockily, "At least he isn't a friendship whore like the Pharaoh's hikari."

"That's true," the albino yami agreed. "And he claims not to be a stripper, yet he wears copious amounts of leather and chains."

"Shut up you two! Bakura, you fail at thieving. Marik, you went a little heavy on the eyeliner there," Yami informed his fellow dark sides with an air of superiority surrounding his statements.

"I'm better than you'll ever be, you pompous poof!" the retired Thief King growled menacingly.

The Egyptian narrowed his lovely eyes, "**IT'S KOHL, YOU FUCKER**!"

"How is that any different from eyeliner, huh?" Bakura inquired with a smirk, turning against his best friend once more.

The Pharaoh nodded, "Either way, it's still rather effeminate. Don't you think?"

"Oh, okay, I see how it is," Marik replied arrogantly. "Oh yes, Bakura. Your golden and shiny ring is so very masculine. And Yami? You were one of those, 'Sorry, but he actually _is_ yours' children."

Both the yamis opened their mouths, and then closed them shut soon after, unable to conjure up another clever comeback.

"Finally! The fairies have come back to this planet," Kaiba sighed after the trio of yamis had finished their incessant bickering. This sarcastic comment earned many snickers from the rest of the group, and even a few people who happened to be eavesdropping giggled to themselves.

Yami chose to ignore the CEO, Bakura just grumbled to himself, and Marik lost his almost non-existent temper and threw his Millennium Rod at Seto's head.

The rich brunette was clocked in the head by the soaring cursed metal, and a slew of curses erupted from his mouth. "Okay, you stupid-ass foreigner, what the _hell_ is your fucking **problem**?" He asked venomously, agitated beyond all reason. Put simply: He's pissed off as all get out.

Marik, being the obliviously adorable bastard he is, responded, "Would you like me to make you a list?"

Completely stumped by that comment—stumping people is one of Marik's extensive list of talents, right above "being a douche" and below "tap dancing"—the brunette CEO just growled and sulked the entire two-hour bus ride back.

The Egyptian yami, proud of his unimportant victory, spent the bus ride gloating to and making small talk with the seven-year-old boy he was sitting next to.

:-:-:

The gang played I-Spy the majority of the time, and they kept spotting trees. After some time, they only had to say "I Spy-" then one of them would say "Tree!". How exciting.

Ryou, Bakura, and Malik wasted time idly chatting and ripping on Marik and his very pedo-like way of speaking to his "new best friend".

:-:-:

Once back on the Willy-boat; our protagonists ate dinner like zombies, devoured cakes like zombies, and crashed… like zombies.

:-:-:-:-:-:

**A/N** Damn! It's been, like, two months since this has been updated! D: But I'm updating now! Yay! So if you want to suggest any pairings you could PM me or leave it in a review. :D Hmn… Anything else… Oh! The I-Spy thing with the trees is a reference to _Brother Bear_, which I don't own. It's a good movie, though. Disney owns it, the lucky bastards… And the Spanish conversation:

José: Hi! My name is José.

Malik: They don't speak Spanish, sir.

Simple enough, eh?

"**PIGFARTS!"**

**~Draco Malfoy (Lauren) from **_**A Very Potter Musical. **_**Pigfarts is a school on Mars! XDD**


	5. What Up With This Damn Country?

**A/N** …Damn I suck. There's only three weeks left until school starts back up (or something like that) and I haven't been updating! I'm really sorry I'm such a slow writer… I need to be in a writing mood to be able to produce anything worth reading. Also, I'm what schools consider "gifted" which is just a fancy way of saying I'm smarter than most and might as well have ADHD. I can't sit still for too long, which is why I hate school so much… ANYWAY, on to mah super-special-awesome chapter!

**P.S.** Mah computer has been broken for about three months now. =_= I apologize. **BUT** it's fixed now! :D

**DISCLAIMER**: Me saying "I own Yu-Gi-Oh!" is like Marik saying "I'm not insane."

**WARNINGS**: I've been over the warnings. You should know them by this point XD

**PAIRINGS: **Okay, new section. The pairings will be listed here and are subject to change if I add any drama. Which I might… So, the pairings currently are: Bronzeshipping, Puzzleshipping, Antagoshipping (To be introduced this chapter. This idea hit me while I was writing the scene, and I love Antagoshipping, so it totally works!), and Buddyshipping (also to be introduced this chapter). Any complaints will be fed to my gerbils. So they will suffer a painful and excruciatingly slow death. O.O

**Chapter Five: What up with this damn country?**

"_Wakey, wakey, eggs and bac-y!"_

:-:-:

"**THAT DAMN WOMAN**!" Malik and his yami screamed simultaneously as Layla rambled over the loudspeaker.

Marik rubbed at his half-lidded eyes, "She fucking _needs _to stop doing that. I want to slit her throat…"

"Marik, no," the young tomb keeper scolder his lover. "No murder. Bad."

The taller of the two just pouted cutely and rose out of bed, ambling to the bathroom in order to try to conquer his tangled locks of blonde. His adorable counterpart soon followed, but all that resulted in was a hot make-out session on the tiled floor. Silly boys.

:-:-:

Normally, I would go into exhaustive detail and meticulously explicate every move the other eleven characters make, but I don't think you would like to sit through that. So let's not and say we did.

:-:-:

Jonouchi raised a blonde eyebrow at his rival, "You don't want to get off the ship, moneybags? Why not? It's Costa Rica! It means 'the cost of Rica'!"

"You moron," Seto muttered in response, not even bothering mentioning the fact that the mutt had translated "Costa Rica" like a five-year-old kid with autism.

Malik decided to be the one to correct his fellow blonde's idiotic statement, "Uh… Jo? 'Costa Rica' means 'beautiful coast'…"

"Oh," Katsuya responded sullenly whilst shoveling eggs into his abyss of a mouth, only to puke them up ten minutes later.

:-:-:

After an excruciatingly long breakfast, the gang—not including Katsuya, Hiroto, and Otogi due to a sickness they spread around their cabin, otherwise known as 'laziness'—was wandering around in Limón, Costa Rica.

"Oh! How cute! Look at this purse! It's a Coach!" Mai squealed appreciatively as she clung onto the apparently 'Coach' handbag.

Yami rolled his amethyst eyes, "That purse is as Coach as I am black. Which is to say, not at all." This earned a round of guffaws from the others as the blonde woman blushed and mumbled curses under her breath.

"It's alright, Mai," Anzu comforted her friend with a warm smile, "I thought it was real too."

"Oh, lordie! Now we have _two_ dense broads on our hands! What ever shall we do? " Bakura stated in a southern accent with his the back of his hand resting on his forehead dramatically. The yami's little show sent the Egyptian duo into hysterics, and they were quite literally "rolling on the floor laughing".

"You meanies!" Anzu whined immaturely whilst crossing her arms over her chest.

Mai nodded, "Yeah! Can't you guys lay off for five seconds?"

"Nope!" Bakura, Marik, and Malik all responded in perfect unison. The three of them stood there smirking at the enraged blonde as she tried to stomp off, but they followed like puppies. Cruel, evil, and diabolical puppies; but still puppies nonetheless.

"Oh!" Yuugi called out as he fashioned an idea in that juvenile brain of his, "We should totally split up! Marik, Malik, Bakura, Ryou, Kaiba, and Mokuba should go do something else while the rest of us stay here and shop! Then we can meet up at around one for lunch on the boat! How does that sound?"

Yami smiled, "That sounds perfect, aibou. We'll be rid of those fools and we'll be able to shop!"

"Bloody fruitcake…" the albino yami sneered condescendingly, earning only a polite giggle from Ryou.

"What's wrong with being homo, '_Kura_?" The pale one's "best friend" hissed.

Crimson eyes were unpleasantly rolled, "Lots of things, _Mar-mar_."

"Like?"

"Well, you like men, fairy-boy!"

"Correction: I like _my_ _hikari_."

"Whatever, Pineapple-head. You're still as straight as a rainbow."

"And proud of it, bubble-balls."

"Yeah, you would know! You've watched me in the shower, you pansy!"

"You pompous poof, that was on a dare!" (Yami and Malik snickered guiltily at this.)

"But you totally loved it, Marik!"

"Yeah, well… **YOU WATCH GLEE, YOU FUCKER**!" The Egyptian yami screeched at an almost super-sonic pitch.

"Oh snap!" his lover interjected.

Bakura fumed, "At least _I_ don't watch America's next Top Model!"

Marik rolled his beautifully violet eyes, "Malik watches that shit, not me, dumbass."

"Oh yeah," the retired thief king replied. "_You_ watch Rachael Ray!"

Marik's jaw dropped significantly. "And that's worse than a show about kids mutilating great songs? How does that seem even remotely close to the awesomeness that is 30 Minute Meals?"

"_My _show has a gay kid and a pregnant cheerio!" the yami with Snow White's complexion stated arrogantly.

The psycho with the gravity-defying hair rolled his mauve eyes once again, "What happened to that homophobia from just a moment ago? Did it become a fairy and fly away?"

"Sh-shut up."

And that was that.

"You fools… Let's just go do something… manly. Like-" Seto began, but Malik cut the billionaire off.

"Please don't tell me you were planning on saying football. I'd have to let Marik saw off your dick for saying something so cliché," the blonde hikari told the CEO dryly.

Kaiba smirked, "Oh, I'm just damn terrified now. The psychopath is going to saw off my junk. With what, dare I ask?"

"A nail file. …Was that what you were expecting?" Marik inquired coyly, a sly grin gracing his sun-kissed features.

The rich brunette blanched visibly, his hands unconsciously moving to cup his endangered manhood.

Bakura half-giggled, half-chuckled with malicious glee, "Oh? Is a certain arrogant jackass afraid of losing his 'lil wee-wee?"

"You're one to talk… About being an 'arrogant jackass' and having a 'lil wee-wee', which I do not," Seto growled at the devious albino that was teasing him.

"Oh yeah? Prove it, then!" Bakura replied stubbornly, his headstrong nature shining through.

The brunette CEO smirked, "Alright."

And with that, he grasped the white-haired yami's hand and dragged him off to some undisclosed location –that looks a _hell _of a lot like Seto's cabin.

The pair wasn't seen until breakfast the next day.

"G-gah! The mental images! **THEY BURN**!" Yuugi screeched whilst clutching the sides of his head.

Yami sighed, "Aw you scarred my hikari for life, Kaiba!"

"Okay… That was disturbing… But I agree with Yuugi's idea to split up. We'll be going now. Bye, guys! See you at one!" Ryou informed the group as he began to walk off, closely trailed by Malik, Marik, and Mokuba.

"Bye!" Mai squealed happily as her remaining tormentors receded into the horizon. Anzu just waved cheerfully as Yami tried to snap his small lover out of his disgust-induced coma.

:-:-:

The rest of that day was disappointingly uneventful for those guys and gals, so let's focus on the adventures of Marik, Malik, Ryou, and Mokuba.

:-:-:

"So what should we do? It's only ten-thirty and we don't have to get back to the ship until one…" Mokuba asked from his perch on Marik's shoulders. His "little legs" had "gotten tired" after five steps, and the young Kaiba somehow managed to convince Marik to carry him. Even the Egyptian yami himself doesn't fully understand how the boy had managed it.

"I think we should go sightseeing. Well, more like just walk around, but we can take pictures and stuff," Malik suggested suddenly.

Ryou nodded fervently, "That sounds good to me! What do you two think?"

"Sounds cool," was Marik's simple response whilst Mokuba hummed in agreement.

"Onward, horsie!" the raven-haired boy atop the Egyptian yami's shoulders squealed, pulling on the blonde locks his fingers were lost in. Marik sighed and ambled forward, much to the young Kaiba's pleasure. Ryou giggled at the oddly heart-warming display as a light blush flared behind his almost-transparent cheeks.

Malik was marching ahead of the group, attempting to scout out suitable places to take pictures. His camera was dangling from his wrist on a thick string that kept it from plummeting to its death.

"Malik," the blonde hikari's other half captured his lover's attention. "We should go down to the beach and take pictures. The coast is what this Ra-forsaken place is famous for anyway." The young ex-tomb keeper nodded in agreement as he skipped down the road towards the beach.

Or so he thought.

"Maaaaaaaaliiiiiiiiik," Mokuba whined from the crown to Marik's head, "It's almost eleven forty-five; where is the beach, man?"

The hikari in question shrugged, "No clue, Mokuba. I _thought_ I was going in the right direction anyway…"

"Well, good job, moron. You got us lost. It's not as bad as Panamá was, but it stills smells like cow shit and rotten bananas," Marik interjected, scrunching his nose up when he mentioned the country's odor.

The shorter Egyptian frowned, "Marik, That was very rud-"

"**AHHHHHHHH GET OFF OF ME YOU PEDO-HOBO!**" Ryou screeched from behind the two lovers and Mokuba, cutting Malik off.

A stinky hobo had grabbed the small albino's ankle; causing the hikari to flip the fuck out, kick the smelly-ass vagabond in the face, and shriek. "**GAH MY EARDRUMS**!"Malik screamed as he collapsed onto the sidewalk clutching his injured ears.

Marik rolled his gorgeously dangerous eyes, "Oh, get up, you drama queen."

The group found the beach soon after by asking the locals to help them out.

"I'm so disappointed I might cry," Ryou stated blankly, gazing at the expanse of rough rock that led to the ocean.

Malik sighed, "It's just a rock. There's not even any sand! **WHAT KIND OF BEACH IS THIS?**"

"A famous one, apparently," Mokuba interjected, while Marik placed him back down onto the ground.

The 'beach' was actually just a large slab of stone. Crabs scuttled across the porous surface every so often, but other than that there were no other indications that this was a coastline. Well, other than the murky seawater, of course. There was litter spread out in little piles along the stairs that led from the raised inland to the at-sea-level disappointment. The whole area smelled of rotting garbage and urine.

"Humph, 'Beautiful coast', my ass. This is absolutely horrifying."

And Marik was completely right.

:-:-:

Aboard the ship, Ryuuji, Katsuya, and Hiroto had kept themselves readily entertained.

:-:-:

Otogi had spent the morning lazing away and pampering himself in the spa. The sauna and steam room did wonders for his skin, and the back massage he received released a lot stress. So much, in fact, that he was willing to spend the rest of the day with his two idiot friends.

Feeling refreshed; Ryuuji thanked the spa workers, gave them his card to charge on, and left the 11th deck.

Waltzing up to the room he shared with the dynamic duo with a new spring in his step, he was surprised to find that he was completely lost.

"Damn it…" he muttered.

"Oh, look! It's dice boy! What's got you miffed?" a feminine voice asked the gamer, while the owner of the voice poked him in the shoulder.

He spun around, "Oh! Hey, Layla. I'm just lost. That's all."

"Well then. Let me help you. It's my job, after all." The short cruise director smiled warmly at him. He just nodded.

Her grin turned a tad feral when she inquired what room he was in. He replied without thinking, and she grabbed his hand and led him around her precious Willy-Boat, her hazel eyes sparkling with glee.

"…And this is the sushi bar…"

"…that's my boyfriend Jonathan…"

"…and there's the second dining room…"

He got the whole tour as they worked their way up the ship. He actually learned a lot, and was glad she was the one that found him and not anyone else.

"Here we are! Thank you for flying Air Layla. Your room should be right down this hall, puddin'. Have a great cruise!" Layla spoke quickly, glancing at her watch, swearing, and dashing off.

"Thanks, Lay!" Ryuuji called after the fleeing female.

"No problem!" echoed the rushing cruise director's voice.

:-:-:

"Do not disturb? What's this doing on our door…?" Otogi thought to himself when he finally reached his stateroom. He removed the sign from the door handle as he slid his key card into the receptor.

Once he unlocked the large slab of wood, metal, and electronics, strolled in and closed it behind him, he saw exactly why the _'do not disturb'_ sign was on the outside of the room.

Honda was fucking Jonouchi's brains out, and Katsuya was moaning like a bitch.

They were mansexing it _up_!

Ryuuji shrieked at the top of his lungs, the fell in a dead faint on the floor.

:-:-:

"Malik! Ryou! _Someone_! **HELP**!" Marik screeched at a supersonic pitch. "**THESE FUCKING DOGS WANT MY DELICIOUS RUMP!"**

The crazy yami sprinted down the sidewalk as a barking squad of K9s chased him down.

Malik rolled his lavender eyes, "Oh, quiet. And he calls _me_ the drama queen… Psh…"

"Maybe," Ryou spoke to his best friend. "Maybe we should help him."

"I'm with Ryou on this one. We have to help him out! He's my transportation, after all!" Mokuba interpolated.

Both the hikaris present gave him a "you moron" look, but rushed off to save their favorite Egyptian psychopath from a gang of ruthless dogs.

"Take **THAT** you fucking bitch!" Marik screeched as he kicked the animal that had bitten his calf. The damned creature howled as it came crashing down to the ground; the yami had gotten him in mid-air after all. Then the dog whimpered and stalked off, gesturing for its cronies to follow.

"It's funny because it's true," Ryou giggled as the group of adversaries retreated. "But we really need to wash this blood off of us. It might look a tad suspicious."

Malik nodded, "Ryou's got a point. We can't waltz around town with blood-soaked clothing on…"

The Egyptian yami just clicked his tongue and grabbed Mokuba, then headed towards a tourist shop. The hikari pair followed the psycho dutifully.

The group purchased some new clothes, changed into them, and began heading back to the ship for lunch.

"I'm depressed. This place sucks," Malik lamented as they ambled closer and closer to the Willy-Boat.

Ryou sighed in agreement, "I know. I'm quite disappointed."

"Us too," Mokuba spoke for both himself and the yami whose back he was riding upon. The Egyptian psycho merely grunted his concurrence.

:-:-:

Lunch was delicious and all of the teens enjoyed. They didn't see Ryuuji or any of the others that were on the ship until dinner.

:-:-:

"Are you serious, Otogi? _Honda and Jonouchi_? **WHAT THE HELL?**" Yuugi shrieked, and then began hyperventilating.

"You think _I_ wasn't flabbergasted when I saw the pair going at it like rabbits **ON MY BED?**" Ryuuji demanded hotly.

Anzu inserted her opinion, "**OMFG THIS IS HORRIBLE! WHY WOULD DO THIS TO US? *WHINE WHINE WHINE***"

"**I KNOW! I'M SHOCKED! THEY'RE SO HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE!**" Mai shrieked in agreement with her friend.

Marik decided to speak up, "Yo, chill your tits. It's not that huge of deal. So what? They're a couple. They only _live together_. It makes sense, morons."

"Marik's right, guys. Calm it down," Malik muttered as the dumbass group continued to rant about how terrible this change of events is.

"Okay, I know this is a bad time to mention this, but does anyone have any clue where my yami and Kaiba are?" Ryou asked quietly from his spot at the dinner table.

Every soul at the table froze solid at that inquiry.

"Didn't they run off earlier…? Do you think they're on the ship…?" Yugi wondered aloud, his lips pursing together tightly.

Yami vaguely listened to his lover ponder, allowing his mind to roam and dwell of the worst of possibilities.

He blanched and tried not to retch as an assortment of gruesome images invaded his mind. Seto's mutilated carcass shredded and strewn about the cabin... Bakura's blood-stained handprints on every surface… The shrill sounds of maniac cackling drifting throughout the soulless halls… The satisfied smirk of a successful psychopath… These thoughts chilled him to the bone.

"Let's go to my cabin! They might be there!" Mokuba suggested helpfully.

Once the group finished their meals, they all made a mad dash for Mokuba and Seto's joint cabin.

The raven-haired school boy shoved his key into the slot, praying that his brother hadn't locked the door.

Unfortunately, the older Kaiba had padlocked the slab of wood and metal.

"Damn!" Marik cursed, "They fucking locked it!"

Malik just rolled his mauve eyes at his yami and pushed to group huddling around Mokuba to the aside. He pressed a sun-kissed ear against the door whilst shushing the crowd of acquaintances. What he heard caused his face to lose its healthy glow.

"Oh, Ra, yes! Yes! Harder, Kaiba! Ra damn it thrust harder!" Bakura's voice moaned out huskily along with the sound of slapping flesh.

Seto's voice sounded next, "I'm trying, B-Bakura! I can only thrust so fast! My hips are tired!"

"Oh, Ra! **K-KAIBA**! **HIT THAT FUCKING SP-SPOT AGAIN**!" The albino yami could be heard crying out.

"I think that's your… What did y-you call it again?"

"**THE PROSTATE**! **OH RA YES**!"

At that point, the tanned hikari could no longer take it. He shakily stood from his crouching position on the floor outside the Kaiba cabin and gazed blankly at the silent group.

"Th-they're having sex…" He told the gang dejectedly.

:-:-:-:-:-:

**A/N** Cliff hanger no jutsu~! XD I know, I suck. I'm sorry. Alright, pairings have been decided and the plot has been set in stone, so hopefully it won't take me as long to get the next chappie up. I absolutely love writing this fic because it's a lot of fun.

Okay, now I want to set one thing straight. I have been to Costa Rica, Panamá, and all of the other places that our heroes will be going to. Anything that I say is more or less true. A big thing that bothered me about Costa Rica and Panamá was the smell. It smelled horrid! I hated it! That's why I mentioned it so much. :3

The part of the Costa Rican shoreline that I went to was just like I described. It sucked.

Last thing: No one should take offense to anything in this stupid fic. It's all for shits and giggles.

"**Even my butt's sore.**

…**No homo."**

**~Josh, a friend of mine that's in my pathways class. He plays football XD**


End file.
